And now, for something completely different

I am totally addicted to the sad adventures of Misery Bear, brought to us by some brilliant minds at BBC.

You can access all his films on his website and on YouTube (I note there are some listed on YouTube that aren't on his website). My favourite, of course, is Dawn of the Ted:




Genius. Though I have to admit, the Red Nose Day special with Kate Moss* comes a close second, because of the ironic-yet-oh-so-clever twist at the end.* Not to mention it starts and finishes with one of the best songs EVER**.

OMG am I ever addicted; I just spent a ton of time exploring his website and discovered that Misery Bear even has his own Twitter feed, which I am now (of course) subscribed to.

And THEN, as if that wasn't exciting enough, I discovered Misery Bear has a WEBCAM!!! I am never going to get anything done, ever again.***


* Red Nose Day is apparently a national day of fundraising by doing something funny.

** Seriously, I can't express how much I love this song - I honestly can listen to it over and over and over again. And the video is so lovely, all 9 minutes of it.

*** OK, maybe the fact I like the Kate Moss episode so much is a sign of something more...disturbing...

All's quiet on --SPLAT!

Last night I went to Trailer Park Bingo for the first time ever. A couple of friends of mine go almost every week. This week, Kate and I decided to go as well (she has been before).

I won a bingo! Very exciting. I had to roll a ring down the "Blingo" board to see what my prize would be.




There's loads of great and not-so-great prizes you can win. Old board games, VHS movies, tacky wall hangings, etc. Mostly, the prizes have the "kitsch that's kind of kitschy but is so ending up back at Goodwill" factor. But no. I don't win one of those. No way. Nothing quite so pedestrian for me.

Twice my Blingo ended up on "Mystery Box", but there weren't any boxes left. Then I ended up on "Nut", which is where you pick a number out of this large wooden nut, and then Flash Cadillac, the Bingo caller, matches up the number off his list of prizes. I won "PIE". Then, I had to pick out of a second, smaller nut, to see whom I would be pie-ing. The piece of paper said "EWE".

There's sheep at Trailer Park Bingo???

... ...

Aww, crap.



Yup, on my very first-ever Trailer Park Bingo, I managed to win, via a very circuitous, labyrinthine route, the prize of being pied in the face. C.P., one of the guys who works the bar, got to do the honours.

My post-pie reaction? "Mmm, tasty!" It was whipped cream and raspberry/strawberry drizzle. I am apparently lucky - one of the guys we were with, Alex, has been pied in the past, and his pie was alphagetti and grenadine. Kinda ick.

After helping me clean up, C.P. gave me a free beer and shots for my table.* I debated drinking them all myself, but I was nice, and shared with the 4 people I used to consider my friends.



For the record, whipped cream detritus makes your hair really crunchy and stiff. It also makes you smell nice, if a little flowery :)

* Alex also said he didn't get any free booze after being pied. So I win!

"ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR---!"

Darth Vader discovers what the Emperor does all day long, sitting alone in the Death Star.

I'm sure if the Emperor had any real colour left in his skin, he'd be blushing right now.

As promised...on the LEFT!

Rion, checking to see if the clock says it is time to get up yet. I swear you would think this dog was human. I also swear I didn't stage this photo. I often get up in the morning, go take a shower, then come back in the bedroom to find my pillow and side of the bed...otherwise occupied.

So I get home from work and look what I discover...

I'm pretty sure one of the minimized windows reads "Daily Kitty".



BUSTED!

pixxiefish, egyptian walker

We leave for Egypt in 10 days.* I can't wait to ride the rollercoasters around the pyramids!!!

* Did I mention we're going to Egypt? ...Uhh, we're going to Egypt!

Flubbed shot, my a$$

Sorry. Coming on the electronic heels of my previous story (yeah, 6 weeks later, I know), I had to laugh when I saw this:

Tiger Woods flubs shot and gives us the best golf shot you'll ever see.


Read the full story on Yahoo! Sports here.


Freakin' déjà vu. Except I, of course, never saw what hit me. Literally. And I suspect Tiger's flubbed shot was not quite as powerful as the one that hit me, else we probably wouldn't be able to view this picture at all.


Yes, I will post proper news again someday. Someday. Something interesting has to happen first, that's the catch, see?

Photoblog: Cthulhu in My Kitchen

On October 30, 2007, my dear mate R.K. and I moved to our present lodgings. Having escaped the horrors that had unfolded on Cooper Street and subsequently overseas in Japan, we were content to see that the house, while of 1970s provenance, was solid and well-built, and located in an upstanding neighbourhood. Indeed, the man charged with maintaining the building was of a reliable sort, and we soon found ourselves fairly able to attend to life's daily routines and requirements with nary a thought to the deep, dark underside of the world we had previously glimpsed.

There were occasional reminders, usually in the form of machinery spontaneously and mechanically roaring briefly to life before falling silent once again, but these oddities we were able to ascribe to the electrical fluctuations that are an inherent part of today's frenetic, hectic lifestyle. So, too, could we casually dismiss the occasional glimpse of something moving silently through the darkness outdoors, as our newfound peace helped us to convince ourselves, and others, that these were but the most pedestrian of beings, animals forced to share our urban world: raccoons, skunks, squirrels.

The night in question of which I am writing was ordinary enough. Having consumed a hearty meal of sausage, perogie and vegetables, we retired, as was our custom, for an evening of leisure and entertainment in front of a motion picture played on our television. Now, it is true that the fare was of a harsher, somewhat macabre bent. Yes, we did watch a movie about those who are neither living nor dead and who walk the night in search of blood, but I can most definitively assure you that what I later saw that night can not be dismissed as a product of a most prodigious imagination spurred on by the viewing and discussion earlier that night! No, what I saw was much more horrible, much more disturbed and fulsome and replete with horror.

R.K. having retired to his personal study to take care of some pressing business, I started my routine of closing the house for the night. I extinguished a number of lights in the main area of the house, and then made my way to the kitchen. I was hardly prepared for the sight which I then beheld. It was a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with a head that exploded into a mass of feelers, a rubbery looking body, and a short but thick whitish tail. I had apparently surprised it, for it was about to consume an innocent party.




Aghast and paralyzed with fear, I watched as the horrible beast reared up, then began the slow process of enveloping its prey in its huge, slimy mouth.








None of my previous experiences had prepared me for the vivid and horrifying intensity of this scene. I felt myself starting to swoon, but even as my body swayed, my eyes were further opened, as if some evil force had entered and was causing me to watch though my mind was averse. Much as I wanted to avert my gaze, I was being forced to watch.

Just when I felt I could bear it no longer, the beast reared up again and made a series of retching sounds, followed by a long, low sound similar to a fog horn blowing on a lonely, dark night. Then, with one final heave, it expelled what was left of its victim.




The monster and I locked eyes, though I would not be able to describe where those eyes might have been on this fierce and horrible creature. After what felt like an eternity, I finally fell to the ground, in complete collapse at the horror of this sight. As blackness took me over, I could hear a slithering sound, which shook through me like thunder. This is where they say R.K. later found me, curled up on the cold ceramic floor in front of the dishwashing machine, a number of smashed kiwis clutched in my hands, the juice running down my shirt sleeves and onto my pants.


With apologies to H.P. Lovecraft for stealing a few of his words when describing the monster, and also for trying (poorly) to mimic his writing style. What can I say? Sometimes I get bored in the kitchen. Other times, my camera is handy.

Bloggy Doggy

So I received the following string of emails, forwarded to me from Randal, a few weeks ago.



From: Randal Kowalchuk
Sent: Mon 22/02/2010 11:54
To: Julie Lavigne
Subject: Monday morning

Inbox (128 new messages)
R.


----------------------
From: Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion [mailto:Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion@dogmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2010 9:05 AM
To: Randal Kowalchuk
Subject: I SAD



Where are you? Can I come?





----------------------
From: Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion [mailto:Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion@dogmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2010 9:15 AM
To: Randal Kowalchuk
Subject: COME HOME



I have a stuffy for you.





----------------------
From: Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion [mailto:Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion@dogmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2010 9:22 AM
To: Randal Kowalchuk
Subject: NICE OUTSIDE



It looks nice outside. Just thought you should know.





----------------------
From: Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion [mailto:Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion@dogmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2010 9:37 AM
To: Randal Kowalchuk
Subject: HEARD A NOISE



You weren't here so I barked for you.





----------------------
From: Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion [mailto:Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion@dogmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2010 9:53 AM
To: Randal Kowalchuk
Subject: IS IT "WEEKEND" YET?



??





----------------------
From: Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion [mailto:Kowalchuk-Lavigne.Rion@dogmail.com]
Sent: February 22, 2010 9:57 AM
To: Randal Kowalchuk
Subject: I SAD



I howled. You missed it. COME HOME.



...



I think I am going to put that dog to work on my blog; it might actually then have a chance of being updated semi-regularly.

Photoblog: The Tale of Gnome Chumpsky [1]

once upon a time, a gnome went to a quiet garden to muse about the meaning of life.



but suddenly, the garden gnome started to think that maybe this wasn't such a nice, innocuous garden after all...



time to take matters into his own hands.



... and the gnome flees the awful scene on his trusty bicycle before the police arrive on the scene.



many animals came to pay their respects to the fallen plant monster. their sympathy was tempered, however, by the ghosts of cows that the plant had consumed.



eventually the site was abandoned, as it gave everyone the willies, and signs were posted to keep out.



land prices later skyrocketed, however, and an enterprising developer built fancy condos on the site. rumour has it the beckhams and cruises have both bought units, perched high on the edge of beautiful hatchet lake.



meanwhile, somewhere in southern manitoba...



but in the end, as is their way, the mounties got their man.



his plea of self-defence having failed, he was locked away in a high-security facility with other gnome miscreants, where he is likely to stay for a very long time.


THE END [2]


And now you know, my faithful readers, why I have not been blogging these past 6 months. I've been very, very busy.

Some of you may have thought, "But you went to France this spring! You spent weekends this summer camping! Fall ushered in Thanksgiving turkeys and Christmas trees and snow! People have gotten sick[3], people have gotten engaged [4], people have had babies[5]! Surely some of this was blog-worthy!"

... I understand that it was tempting to think my life is otherwise interesting. Yes, you'd think these things were blog-worthy, but well... ... ... For starters, we haven't even had any snow yet. I mean, c'mon. What else is worth writing about besides the weather?



[1] Yes, groan. But as a former communications/media studies person, I think I'm allowed.

[2] For now. Who knows what might happen when/if the gnome gets day parole? Also, I think this means I have to stop teasing my mom about her elaborate Webkinz stories, right?

[3] Not me, though both Randal and Rion have had that honour, to mention but two within my immediate household.

[4] Also not me, though my good friend Rebecca T. falls in that camp.

[5] Definitely not me, though a few people I know fit that bill, not least of all my good friend Mark and his wife Amynah who are expecting a baby girl literally any day now.

YOU HAVE BEEN EATEN BY A GRUE

Email sent to me at work by Randal back in November, in response to a comment I'd made about being unable to answer the phone when he'd called earlier:


>> It’s Thursday afternoon and I am at the reference desk, 10 feet away from my phone, but a locked door separates us.

> Look desk.

>> The reference desk is bare, but for a posting of the library hours and some graffiti in white out.

> Look whiteout.

>> The white out graffiti says: "Greedo shot first."

> Look door.

>> The door is locked.

> Look lock.

>> You don't have a key.

> Look

>> You sure like to look a lot, don't you?

> Look floor.

>> Standard industrial carpet. You were expecting a trap door?

> Look phone.

>> Nothing fancy, though it does have a hands-free function.

>> YOU HAVE BEEN EATEN BY A GRUE.

have library, will travel*

Email sent to me yesterday afternoon by Randal:


maybe there should be a whole tout industry attached to libraries the way hostels and guest houses have.

Hey where you going? I have nice book. Good quality.

Uh, I'm looking for The Rights of Refugees, 3rd edition.

Oh, that book burned up.

What?

Big fire. Here. How about this?

That's a book on torts.

Yes, good book. Very nice, very niiice.


I laughed so hard, I almost choked on the grapes I was munching at the time. LMAO.

* I came thisclose to titling this post, à la Strasmark, "Conversations funnier to the people having them, an occasional series".